Girl Says I Didnt Think Id Hear From You Again

Non Interested in Dating Someone? Simply Say And then.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'm not formally educated or licensed equally a therapist, counselor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed past these. Curious about my groundwork? Read my bio.

Too, I utilize affiliate links when recommending books or products. These give me a small commission if you use them to make a purchase, at no additional cost to yous. Thank you for your support.

I've fabricated information technology a goal to go out on at least one date per week for the by couple of years, and in doing so, have met hundreds of fantastic people. By and large, these are start dates, and simply first dates. Every once in a while, though, I meet a adult female who I'd like to keep dating. And every once in a while, she ends up feeling the same way and information technology turns into a slap-up human relationship. (Sweet.)

I also get the occasional adult female that I'm interested in, who doesn't show the same involvement in me. (Non and so sweet.) And notwithstanding, that's dating. I don't become besides cleaved upwardly near it.

In those instances, however, there is i thing I wish were different: that people would be more directly when they're just not interested.

Walking the line.

We as men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of being the confident, manly homo who knows what he wants and isn't agape to go for it, without becoming the drastic, needy human who can't have a hint.

What makes walking this line and then difficult, though, is the fact that some women play hard-to-get in hopes that the human volition pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the man volition "get the hint" and go out them alone!

Come across whatever issues here?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'm getting mixed signals, I'll simply ask her where she'due south at. I'll exist honest with my hopes (east.g. "Hey, I enjoy spending time with you lot, and would similar to keep getting to know y'all") and give them an out if they're not feeling the aforementioned way (eastward.thousand. "and even so, if you're non interested, zero hard feelings. I'd merely like to know where you're at.")

When I've had that chat, some women tell me that they're but not interested (great—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, but have been playing difficult-to-get because "otherwise, you men lose involvement!"

What? Okay, sure. At that place is some psychological something around wanting what you can't accept, but dating is confusing enough without having to play that game. Can't we just nosotros spare information technology?

Let'due south exist real.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "not hurt the other person's feelings," I'm a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you'd like to keep dating someone, say and so! If not, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.east. finish returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them endless excuses if they keep request you out.

This goes for both men and women.

Now to be fair, telling someone that you're not interested is much easier said than done. I do non envy women, as they're frequently the ones beingness pursued, and therefore the ones having to effigy out how to let the guy down easy. I've been there before—pursued past women I'm not interested in—and letting them downwards is tough. I'thou always tempted to but requite excuses or draw it out until they "get the hint."

But that's not honest. It'due south not 18-carat. And you know what? Information technology's non even kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're conspicuously interested in you only prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of yous. Whatis the kind thing to do? Allow them know you're not interested.

Only how?

Recently, I had a adult female text me after a get-go appointment and tell me she'd dear to do something once more quondam. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Aye, that would be fun!"

But honestly, I wasn't interested. She was neat in so many ways and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, only I had no intention of asking her out once more. We only didn't click.

After giving it some thought, here's how I responded:

Cheers, and I definitely will. And while I had a not bad time this evening (genuinely!), I'm not sure I really encounter things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know y'all a little better—thank yous for like-minded to become out!

Simple enough, correct?

She was absurd about it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, but I had fun plenty time talking that I had thought I would requite information technology another shot. I understand though! Thanks again!

Nosotros wrapped up with a little more small-scale talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I simply go on that response saved on my phone at present and tweak it to each situation so it's truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Mayhap. I consider it efficient. It took me a long fourth dimension to arts and crafts that response! You can use information technology, free of charge.)

Every fourth dimension I respond in this mode, I get a positive response, and both of u.s. are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every fourth dimension a woman has responded to me in this way, the event is the aforementioned. I adore her even more than for having the maturity to be direct, and am grateful to be able to movement on without whatsoever question.

Agree? Disagree? How do you lot permit someone down nicely? Post about it in the comments beneath.

Like What You Read?

Subscribe to the Blog.

Zero spam. Unsubscribe at whatsoever time. 👍🏼

33 thoughts on "Non Interested in Dating Someone? Only Say Then."

I wish women would take your communication. Instead they somehow manage to think lying and stringing men along is there like shooting fish in a barrel style out? Shit gets so erstwhile.
That's a swell response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though y'all're nice and proficient looking, I only don't think nosotros're a fit. (I used to say there was no chemistry merely have heard that tin come off every bit offensive — equally if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hi Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemistry" piece—I hadn't idea of that, but could see how information technology could be interpreted that fashion. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Hold x infinity!!! I love your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly let go subsequently being strung along. Fake words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'm not and so much mad at him as I am at how he did information technology. I detest lies. Totally wasted my fourth dimension.
  1. Ugh, I'yard and then lamentable. Dating is crude!
    1. I have a 76 twelvemonth onetime human being interested in me. I am 72. He knows my beau died 1 twelvemonth agone. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to injure his feelings, only I am just not interested.
      1. How-do-you-do Pam,
        
        Not an easy situation! My recommendation from the article nonetheless stands, though—beingness direct and honest is the *kindest* mode to let him downwards.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with beingness upfront from start if in that location's no interest after trying to get to know someone. In my example, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning, apex, and some tardily nights for about 1-wk i/2. Immediately ask me out later on his BD wknd spent w/son (?). Anyway, following his BD, he calls next morning left msg. (alibi) for not calling later in day as promised, proverb we would talk later. Afterward came, (8hrs) I txt to enquire if he could talk. "non right now, I will ring you later". Never happened. Adjacent twenty-four hours, no early on forenoon call or text. I waited, text to make sure he's okay. "thx for asking" was response, nothing more than. Nor did he call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Third 24-hour interval after BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text later, "good", is everything alright w/yous. Hour later, "I'm ok, thx for asking bs". I said enough is plenty. I felt I was wasting my time, or beingness strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I simply text: Glad you lot're okay. Only request, are you all the same interested in mtg for the wknd. Could exist wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went by.
    FYI: He told me he broke upwards w/his ex approx. half-dozen-mo. prior to mtg me. I'chiliad pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does not have nerve to let me downwards easy, and or wants his cake /eat information technology too.
    Matter most it I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that'due south no fun at all. Another prime case of how being tactful-yet-straight is the kindest matter nosotros can practise to those we collaborate with.
I've been up front and honest with men to the point where I've actually wound up saying cheers but I'm non interested to which I'chiliad then attacked by being chosen really foul names. I'm almost as well agape to even effort chatting with men unremarkably I'll say thanks for your involvement but I'm but really not interested in going any further and so I'grand attacked verbally. Possibly 1 or 2 out of the men I've said no thanks to have been cool about information technology the others though "scary" doesn't come up close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'chiliad down for annihilation which I'm not i just don't get why men get so aroused for no reason. I'chiliad just another woman in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
Equally a women, we are often indirect almost these things because of:
A) fears of male violence – almost all women take been verbally abused by women for rejecting them (existence chosen a b**** or a w****, etc.). All women take heard of instances of women being threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. It'due south simply not worth the risk
B) socialization – possibly because of A, women are socialized from a very young age to be dainty and not rock the boat
I never show involvement in women (even though I may be very interested) because no woman has always shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women usually initiate by giving hints to guys they similar. Since I never get any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'chiliad non interested in dating at all, but I practise enjoy talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't lead women on. My problem is they get upset because I won't inquire them out. Simply I don't experience similar I need to give them a reason. No one is entitled to a date with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting selection), how can I prevent them from becoming upset with me?
1. I totally empathise John. I like my own space and ofttimes tell men that I enjoy visitor and socializing, but I don't wish for it to go any further. I find that being directly up forepart stops people from expecting it to lead somewhere. I likewise make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their own feelings.
  1. Hi Niya,
    
    This is a nifty approach. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well washed.
    
    Michael
    1. How-do-you-do Michael,
      
      I recently simply told the guy I've been dating for a few months that'south I didn't feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive aggressive and feels that sending the bulletin via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'grand sorry you're in that situation—it's never easy ending a relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, it'southward tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that ending a relationship over text generally isn't advisable. My examples in this article pertain to situations where someone has expressed interest in dating, or maybe going out on a 2nd appointment, not for times when you're already in a relationship and wanting to pause up. So my apologies if that was not clear. I'm a large proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        So if yous haven't done and then already, y'all might consider calling him up, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the best idea (e.g. "I'k sad for sending that text—that's not a bully way to share something similar this…I wanted to exist sure I worded information technology well, but I realize now that it would have been more advisable to call," or whatever feels right to you lot) and then hope he is more respectful during your conversation in return.
        
        But if he lashes out or goes passive-ambitious on you lot, you do not need to sit and take that. Information technology's entirely appropriate to say what you need to say, and and then kindly wrap things up: "I'g merely not feeling it. Thank y'all for the time we had together and I wish you the best."
        
        Again, my middle goes out to you—I sometimes feel it'due south harder being the one to end a relationship than beingness on the receiving stop. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hi John,
  
  That is a tricky situation, to exist sure. You absolutely take every right to desire to build friendships and not take them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from instance to instance. If yous'd similar to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to suggest some ways to arroyo information technology. In general, though, it volition be important to remember that while there are ways to tactfully approach the situation to increase their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may still choose to take it personally or respond poorly. If they want you to ask them out and find out yous aren't interested, they're going to exist disappointed. No way effectually that. But we of course promise they're emotionally healthy enough to not accept that out on you.
  
  Michael
Hello Michael,
Cheers for your mail service. I broke upwards with a man I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me about every two months and the advice problem nevertheless hasn't resolved. When I finally called to suggest we talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then now he's so cold. We broke information technology off because we agreed we were exclusive and so ane day the a dating app popped up aNd apparently he was still online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes merely I can't forget it. So when I saw him once more he couldn't answer to what he wanted. I asked him once again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I but don't know what to do. His texts are cold and doesn't fifty-fifty bother to ask how I am doing etc. delight advise on how I should respond. I don't similar being treated this way if I didn't do anything incorrect but love him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. Information technology's not only women who are socialized to be nice, we all are. And while women might fear physical abuse, just think how much men fear psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our work, our lives, when we reject some women. I'd much rather become a punch in the confront. What I take constitute works is that you must reject them there and and then at the cease of the engagement before they get a sniff. Alternatively, if you lot are unsure then you say "I really don't encounter this going anywhere but I'chiliad open to a second date." Doing it through text I would feel is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This then is evidence that you have written it with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for three months. The more than I've gotten to know about him the more than I'grand not certain this relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to voice that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is about things. It's evident that I'm anxious and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling like is at that place something wrong with me that I'g not comfy anymore ? He's a good guy just defective things I experience I personally demand. We oasis't spent much time in person still. Is it dragging it out to await on that opportunity or is waiting just to possibly break up worse ? Thankyou for this mail !
1. Hi Bearding,
  
  That'due south a tough one. I will say, there'due south nada wrong with you for not being interested in someone. That's why we appointment—to see if a relationship has staying power (and to come across if we're willing to put in the work required to brand that relationship stay great, considering I'm not aware of whatever relationship that just stays astonishing without work 😉 ). If you lot experience the human relationship could benefit from spending more fourth dimension in person, and y'all're willing to wait for that, swell! But if not, I would be careful to not permit feelings of what you lot "should" or "shouldn't" practice get in the mode of what your heart tells you.
  
  Michael
Thank you! I'm also going to have to save that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste my time and yours… You take intendance and good luck…" he also mentioned I should accept told him sooner, only tbh I was withal on the argue.
1. How-do-you-do Pamela,
  
  Nice piece of work. And I'yard happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thank you for sharing!
  1. Thanks for writing this article. I'm 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, and so this is all new. I accept a big center (probably why I'chiliad a teacher) and am always worried about hurting feelings. Especially when they take expressed feelings for me. I even allow information technology go along going thinking I will become more attracted to them somehow. Merely then it merely gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to word things, went not interested. Your advice stood out! This dating thing is brutal in my opinion.
    Thanks over again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Give thanks you for your annotate. And my lid's off to you for jumping back in; I'yard sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'm 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. We meet last year when I took my lawnmower in to exist worked on and brought it back to him to piece of work on it this year. Problem is I'yard not physically attracted to him. We talked 2 weeks ago on Lord's day in person, which was bang-up, then silence for two weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to be a good guy til the silent handling. I don't know what to do. I experience similar he was looking for a wife. Reason I'one thousand saying that is because I told him I felt like "spousal relationship is overrated", he's been married 3 times- me twice. I'm non looking to become married again.
1. How-do-you-do Anna, I'chiliad deplorable yous've been on the receiving cease of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to exist in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, we went out, I had a proficient time and it turned in a one night stand (for me). Nosotros spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I really wasn't interested. Yet, periodically he will see a mail of mine on social media and he volition attain out, wanting to have sex once more. He says, he "really enjoyed the sexual activity, and would similar to come across me and that he is non interested in a relationship". I have never taken him up on the offer, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This fourth dimension tho, he has been texting me for about a calendar month, consistently and notwithstanding simply wants sex activity. I have told him that I am not interested in only that, I want a human relationship, (not necessarily with him though), thinking that would become him to go abroad, it didn't. He continues to text, good morning, how are you, etc.. He's non a bad guy, I am just not into him.
    
    How do I tell him to finish contacting me without being harsh about it?
    1. Hi Anonymous,
      
      First off, kudos to yous for holding your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to respond, information technology obviously depends on the recent conversation, what your relationship looked like, etc. But in general, you might consider preparing a more than final response for the next fourth dimension he reaches out. So if he messages you again asking for sexual practice, you might say, "No, cheers. As I've mentioned before, I'm not interested in a coincidental relationship. I enjoyed our fourth dimension together *and* I ask that you please non bulletin me over again. Thank you and I wish you all the best."
      
      Michael
Hello Michael – great article, only surprising from my perspective. It's been the other style around for me (I'g a 47 year old woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the last couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or and then men and accept chatted with more of course. In some instances it was articulate to me that I did non desire to engagement the guy, and I allow them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single time. Just more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, merely the guy did not stay engaged by continuing the chat over text or setting up another call or date. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, but want to keep my number in instance something else doesn't work out. Later on about 1-2 weeks of sensing this, I ship a overnice bulletin like to what yous propose above and cut information technology off. Over again, they have always responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy being in that gray expanse with men that I would consider dating over again. I wish they would simply tell me they're non interested. Or should I perhaps keep these doors open in instance something does work out? I don't get emotional near these situations, but I admittedly don't like the idea of the guy wanting to keep me around "simply in case". Whatever advice?
1. Hi Suzanne,
  
  It sounds like the situation you've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult information technology is being the ane interested in someone, merely getting mixed signals in return. They don't keep the conversations flowing, they are ever "busy" when you inquire to exercise something, etc. In those instances, I found myself wishing the other person would just tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Candor is kind!
  
  Michael
I'thousand a woman and get this from men all the time. Information technology's so infuriating because I am quite direct, always in a polite way, and all I want is to know where I stand with someone. Besides many times I have had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged just never actually ask y'all out to see. Yous can't write them off yet but it'due south a dissatisfying state of affairs. So and so I enquire them out (this is normally at nearly the date #3 marking) and it's a vague response that is oftentimes all the same unclear. Honestly, why can't anyone simply exist upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via letters these days anyway, how scary tin can information technology possibly be to just say 'look, I had a smashing time, it was lovely to meet you, merely I only didn't feel the chemistry i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront as presently as possible. Life is besides short to be stringing people forth and sadly when you lot are on the receiving stop of this behavior over and over again you become jaded and reluctant to get involved with anyone.